We're Not in Kansas Anymore, Toto
by kashkow
Summary: This is a crack fic brought on by WAY too many Christmas cookies. The bunnies were really hyperactive after all that sugar. And for those that wonder, yes this is a short story for me...AS to what it's about, read the title and guess. ;


We're not in Kansas Anymore, Toto.

By: Kashkow

Author's note: Yes, it is a complete crack fic. I have no explanation for the motivation that drove the bunnies to this, but it may have had something to do with the 8 tons of Christmas cookies that I ate today…For which I blame those who actually gave them to me. They should know I have no willpower. I own nothing of anything even vaguely recognizable. The truly disturbing part about the whole thing is that it just keeps going and going and going… It has not been betaed since you can't fix something that is so wrong. With apologies to Frank L Baum…And yes, this is a short story for me.

John Sheppard knew he shouldn't have drunk the ceremonial drink almost as soon as he put it in his mouth. It wasn't that it tasted particularly bad, or even that it made his tongue go completely numb immediately. He had drunk enough jungle juice manufactured in the barracks of various posts to recognize that particular side effect. No it was the slow spin that the room seemed to have developed at that first sip. In fact, as he swallowed the room picked up speed and tilted slightly to the left. He would have stopped drinking it at that point, but Yelk, the high priest (though how a person that barely stood four feet tall could be called a _high_ priest was still up in the air), had made it painfully clear that to not finish the drink in one swallow would be a horrible offense to the gods. Who would no doubt bring great trial and travail down upon the whole planet for the next year if that were to happen.

Being a good guest, and with Woolsey's admonition regarding the necessity of making nice with these people ringing in his head, he pushed aside his qualms and tilted the cup up until he had swallowed every drop. He tried to keep the cough that instantly rose from coming out, but he failed miserably and hacked for several moments. When he could straighten up he found Yelk and his acolytes beaming at him with approval, and his team smirking at him in amusement. He gave them a sneer. THEY didn't have to try the damn stuff. THEY had simply been able to enjoy the bountiful food, lively conversation and hearty leave-taking. HE was the one that had been stopped as they were getting ready to go and told that he, as the leader of the visitors, MUST complete the ritual of Abaladingo-or was it Dingoabala?-or the condition of the next year's harvest would fall on his shoulders. Not wanting to be held responsible for the next blight, or drought, or whatever else might happen between now and the next harvest he had acquiesced.

Now he handed the cup to Yelk with a little bow that he had learned form Teyla and with what he liked to think was a steady hand reached out to take his P90 from Ronan who had been holding it while he performed the ritual bowing to the four directions that went along with the drinking of the drink. It took him several tried to hook it into the carabineer that was hooked to his vest, but he eventually got it, ignoring McKay's snicker. He nodded once more to Yelk and started out of the village back toward the stargate that thankfully was not too far away.

He tried to ignore the fact that the trees and grass seemed to be undulating back and forth in a sort of shimmy. It was rather unnerving, and he felt it would be best if he didn't mention that to his teammates. They might feel that he couldn't hold his ceremonial drink, and that just wasn't so. He had Ronan take the lead with Teyla and McKay in the middle while he took up the rear so that he could hopefully hide the slight stagger that he was finding resulted from the entire world moving slightly underfoot. What was up with that anyway? Yelk hadn't mentioned any earthquakes lately, and certainly none that just kept going and going and going.

He was contemplating that bit of information withholding when he suddenly realized that the wind was picking up rather steeply, in fact it tore the cap from his head and just about blew him over, though that might have been the result of the continued earthquake activity. As he stumbled he got a look behind them, and what he saw made him jerk upright with a curse. There was a tornado bearing down on them! Just when the hell had the sky clouded over and the day turned stormy.

He yelled at his seemingly oblivious teammates, and got them moving at a run toward the stargate. He was still bringing up the rear, and while he didn't think he had been THAT far behind, by the time he reached the clearing with the stargate the others had already dialed and gone through. They could have at least waited for him to show up, he thought. He took a look over his shoulder and saw the funnel cloud coming towards him. He put a little more speed on and dove into the event horizon just as the Tornado was about to hit. Safe.

He rolled on the smooth floor of the gate room and looked back toward the stargate, almost afraid that somehow the twister would follow him through. But the stargate had cut off and the comforting glow of the shield was in place. He rolled to his knees, in preparation of getting to his feet. But before he could do so the entire room seemed to make a swooping move to the right followed by a twist back to the left. Okay, that just wasn't right. He held onto the floor until the undulations stopped and then pushed himself to his feet, turning around expecting to see his team staring at him along with the gate room staff. But that wasn't what he saw. There was no one there. No technicians, no guards, no Woolsey, no team. He looked up at Woolsey's office. Thinking that for some reason his team had gone up to start the debriefing without him, but there was no one up there.

"Hey!" He yelled. "Gate room squad, report to your post." No more than one of the four guards was to be out of the room at one time, and Sheppard knew that the men knew it. So where was everyone? He moved up to the control level and looked around. Everything seemed to be functioning like normal, as if everyone had simply stepped away for a moment, but that never happened. He reached for his radio.

"This is Sheppard, whomever is assigned to the gate room better get their asses back here right damn now!" He growled. Nothing happened. No one even called to explain. He taped the radio again, moving to the command channel. "Lorne." He waited another moment. Nothing again. All right. There was the barest possibility that something, something big, could be going on somewhere else that would necessitate everyone leaving the gate room. And there was the equal possibility that Lorne could be too busy to reply. He changed the radio back to the general channel. "_Anyone_ who hears me please respond." Nothing.

Okay, this meant one of several things. Number one, everyone had decided to step outside for a smoke, and had turned off their radios to make sure that they weren't disturbed. Alternately, in the just over eight hours since SGA1 had left for their little chat with Yelk and his happy band of drunks, Atlantis had been taken over by an enemy that didn't feel the need to put guards in the gate room or stop anyone from coming through it. Yet again, there could have been some sort of natural disaster that caused Woolsey to evacuate everyone away from the main tower. What that disaster could have been he had no idea, along with why the team would have received an okay to go through the gate, done so and disappeared, thus leaving him alone. Well, that was making the first choice look better and better.

He left the gate room, moving swiftly but quietly through the corridors. He checked the infirmary, the mess hall, Rodney's labs, the armory, everywhere where people _should _have been. There was no one. Everything was just as if everyone had simply stepped out of the room just before he got there. There was a pile of scrubs in the middle of being folded in the infirmary. The steam table in the mess was hot and a fresh pan of sliced turkey had just been put out, he snuck a piece to check for freshness. In McKay's lab the laptops were on, in the middle of various programs. In the armory a card game had been in progress, a quick look at the hands and the pot indicated that nothing short of a full out Wraith attack would have gotten at least one person away from that table.

This was getting ridiculous. All the jumpers were in their cradles. Everyone's gear was still in the armory. All the scientists' laptops were there. There was no way that everyone went through the gate and left _everything_ behind, even if the SGC called up and told everyone to do it. And that still did not explain the absence of his own team. He ended his wondering on the balcony outside of the control room. There was always that smoke break theory. No one there either; all right then back to square one.

The gate had not disengaged between the time his team had gone through and he had followed. He would have heard it, even if he hadn't seen it. So wherever they went he had gone. Could it be some sort of illusion? Could he be in some other place, like when they had thought they were on Earth? But he had seen through that. But then there was the replicator hand in the head thingie. But he would remember being captured if that were the case, he had before. They had messed with his mind for present things; they hadn't affected any past memories. So that seemed unlikely. And was it him, or had they had way to many 'false experience' experiences?

He was contemplating that thought and its application to the current issue when he caught sight of something moving to his right, in the doorway to the control room. He spun and raised his weapon. He almost dropped it in shock when he saw who was standing in the doorway. Kolya! Kolya, who he had killed, with a bullet to the brain, was standing in the doorway smiling at him. He snapped out of his surprise as Kolya raised a basket and swung it in the air.

"I told you I'd get you Sheppard, and your little furry thing too." Kolya said in a taunting voice. "I've got the furry thing, and I'll be back for you." Before Sheppard could bring his weapon up to aim Kolya was gone. Sheppard ran for the doorway and burst into the gate room. As he moved into position to fire on the retreating figure he noticed two things. Number one was that the gate was engaged. He had not heard it do so. And the shield was down. How had that happened? The second thing was just as Kolya stepped through the event horizon with a grin back at Sheppard a small black form jumped out of the basket and ran back toward Sheppard, slipping on the smooth floor. The gate shut down and the shield snapped into place. That left Sheppard standing in the empty gate room weapon raised staring down at the small black dog that was staring back up at him.

"What the…" Just as he began to speak he heard a sound like a train approaching. A sound that was strikingly familiar from earlier that day. He spun around and went back onto the balcony. He looked out past the city and gaped at what he saw. A waterspout, bigger than anything he had ever even heard of was coming toward the city. It was huge, easily as big around in diameter as the city itself. A vertical spinning wall of water was tearing toward the city. He wasn't sure what something like that hitting the city was going to do, but he really didn't want to be out here when it happened. He dodged back inside the gate room. The little…okay, it was a little black dog, stared up at him with dark eyes. No time to contemplate why Kolya had a dog in a basket, and why he thought that said dog belonged to Sheppard. Right now he had to figure out how to get the shield up so that the waterspout did not destroy the city.

He ran to the controls and tried to remember what McKay had done the last time they had to raise the shields. He typed in this override code. It took and let him into the command systems. He poked around for an incredibly long moment, and then found the right system. He pushed in the sequence that he remembered and waited. The computer verified that the shield was now up. That was all he could do. He pulled up the outer monitors and watched as the waterspout neared. He could only hope that it would spill its energy against the shield like the massive wave had before.

The waterspout seemed to accelerate as it approached, growing even bigger. Then it seemed to hesitate a moment just before it hit. The next second Sheppard was slung across the room as the entire room tilted. This wasn't like before, this time he wasn't static in a moving room. He was tossed first one way then another then back the other way. He could hear the dog yelping as it too was tossed around. In one pass by the windows he was pretty sure that it looked like the entire city was up in the air, spinning inside the whirlpool. But that was impossible, wasn't it? He hardly had time to contemplate the impossibility as he was slammed back the other way. He was becoming way to familiar with how a sneaker in a dryer felt when he was flung against the wall near the door and slammed to the floor. Everything went dark.

He wasn't sure how long he had been unconscious, but he was sure that he was currently being…licked. It was not how he would have chosen to be returned to consciousness. He swatted weakly at whatever was licking at him, and he spared a moment to wonder if it was tasting him in preparation for eating. The Pegasus Galaxy had not given him much cause for optimism when it came to things like that. The licking stopped, but there was a small whine that sounded incredibly pitiful. The events of the past several hours came flooding back and his eyes snapped open. He found himself almost eye to eye with a small black dog that was staring at him. He blinked in surprise and sat up. His head spun briefly but steadied soon. He pushed to his feet and stumbled toward the stairs and via them to the windows.

Instead of the wide expanse of sea that he expected he saw forest. The city was on dry land. He blinked in surprise. The city had somehow been carried all the way to the mainland? He knew that tornados were powerful. But to move an entire city; he didn't think that was even possible. Where was the know-it-all physicist when you needed him? He had to go check this out. The easiest way was going to be to go to one of the piers and look over the edge.

He headed out of the control room only then becoming aware that he had gained a tail, so to speak. The small dog was following him. He turned to look at it, and it wagged its short tail at him. He still had no idea how the dog had come to be in the basket, or where it had even come from before that, but he had bigger fish to fry right now. He kept going and allowed the dog to join him in the transporter. They were soon moving along the pier, and Sheppard was looking at the tops of trees that were on either side of the pier. When he reached the end he stood there and looked out over the forest that seemed to disappear into the distance until they ran into some very, very tall mountains in the distance. Okay.

He went to one of the service ladders that used to lead down into the water. There was only about five feet from the bottom of the ladder to a small rise in the land beneath. It would not be a problem to get down, or to get back up when he wanted to. He started down the ladder only to stop as the pitiful whimper came once again. He looked down at the dog. It was staring again, looking from him down to the ground and back to him-great, emotional blackmail from a dog. He sighed.

He stepped back up onto the deck and swung his pack off his back. He dug through, ejecting a few things he was sure he would not use, and when he had enough room he reached a hand out toward the dog. It came to him trustingly and he scooped it up and deposited it in the pack. It seemed to understand and huddled down in the pack. He carefully swung it back on and went down the ladder. He jumped down to the ground and released the dog. He arbitrarily chose a direction and started around the base of the city.

He had been hiking for almost twenty minutes when he came to a large clearing. A clearing that he recognized because of the houses that were arranged around the edges of it. This was the village they had been in this morning. The distinctive wildly colorful hangings on the sides of the houses were not easy to forget. Bright primary colors screamed from every wall. And in the center of the village was the wide-open area, paved with flat stones where the alter had been set up for the celebration and veneration of the gods. The alter was gone now, as was the section of the village where one of the piers had landed. Only one house had been crushed beneath the tremendous weight of the city, a near miss.

Of course he wasn't sure exactly how the city had moved from Lantea to here. Psx-456 was not even in the same section of the galaxy much less the same solar system. He guessed it didn't matter, since he was here, but something really weird was going on. He looked down at the little dog at his side. Okay, he had to do it.

"We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto." He said to the dog. It tilted its head in that way that dogs did when they were trying to understand. "Okay, you didn't catch the film." He was getting ready to continue his sweep around the city when a rush of short people came from the tree line. They were laughing and yelling in joy. It was a nice change from the usual yelling in anger thing that the natives usually seemed to greet them with, and he was somewhat puzzled s to how having a massive city dropped on your village merited such joy, but he was willing to go with it.

"Well done, well done. Surely you are sent from the gods friend Sheppard!" Came a familiar voice. It was Yelk, stripped of his multi-colored robes from before, but wearing an almost achingly bright green one now that swished about his calves.

"Uhh, well done what exactly?" Sheppard asked. The happy crowd has stopped behind Yelk, but they were all smiling hugely as if it were the happiest day of their lives. Okay, getting sorta creepy at this point.

"Why you killed the evil one, by landing your village upon it. Glory to you and the gods that have sent you to aid us." Yelk exclaimed and pointed behind Sheppard. Sheppard turned and was shocked to see a pair of green clad legs sticking out from under the pier, they ended in what he recognized as the Genii version of combat boots. Next to the legs was a slightly crushed basket. The dog went closer and sniffed at the basket and growled. It took a moment for his brain to put it all together. Kolya, the city had landed on Kolya.

"Ding dong the witch is dead." He muttered to himself, as Yelk began slapping him heartily on his lower back.

"We owe you a great debt, Sheppard of the Lanteans. How can we repay you for your help freeing us from the evil one?"

"I…don't suppose you can tell me how I got here?" Sheppard asked. "I mean we were on a completely different planet…" he broke off at the confused look on the other man's face. But the confusion cleared and a smile came across his face.

"The gods works in ways that are beyond our understanding. Seek not to ken their ways. What may seem impossible to us is but a breath to them. All is as it should be. We should celebrate." He turned and yelled at the villagers who cried out in excitement and scattered to the houses evidently to put together this celebration. Sheppard shook his head.

"No, I don't think I'm up for anymore of that drink if you don't mind. I just want to get back home…" He broke off as he realized that 'home' was currently embedded in the soil of this planet. How the hell was he going to get the city back where it belonged? Number one he was one ZPM short. He also wasn't sure if he could fly her himself, and even if he could where exactly was New Lantea from here?

"Ah, you have completed the mission of the gods and you wish to return to your home. I understand. Your city has crushed the ring of the gods, so you cannot go that way. Surely the gods would not have sent you if there was no way to return. They are wise. Perhaps we should ask of our village goddess. Surely she will be able to tell you the way home." He closed his eyes and seemed to drift off, though he seemed to be humming slightly under his breath. He opened his eyes and smiled. "We are truly blessed. She comes." He waved a hand toward what Sheppard was pretty sure was the North. A light was building at that side of the clearing. The people, pausing in their preparations, bowed toward it and moved away. The light pulsed a few more times, and resolved into…Sheppard blinked

The Ancient from the hologram room, the one that Daniel Jackson had reveled to be an actual Ancient, stood there at the edge of the forest, watching him with serious dark eyes. She was dressed in the flowing white robes that the Ancients seemed to favor, and Sheppard supposed he should be happy it wasn't some pink fairy dress with a wand. That would have been too much.

"Congratulations Colonel Sheppard you have killed the evil man and saved the village from his machinations. I'm sure he never expected to have a city dropped upon him." She said.

"Well seeing as how he was dead to begin with, I'm having a hard time figuring out exactly how he came to be around to squish, not to mention exactly how the city got here. Maybe you would like to explain that?" She shook her head.

"I think that you will have to find out on your own." She looked around. "The people here are ready to celebrate you as nearly a god, Sheppard. Are you a benevolent god or a angry god?" he stared at her in disbelief for a long moment.

"Did you just ask me the equivalent of 'am I a good witch or a bad witch'?" He asked. She smiled benignly, but did not answer. He flung out his arms. "What the hell is going on here? Why am I suddenly stuck in the Pegasus Galaxy version of Wizard of Oz? And why exactly am I the one that got stuck as Dorothy? "

"I do not know of what you speak, John Sheppard. I only know that you have completed the mission on which you were sent. You have freed these people from the tyranny of Kolya."

"And how exactly am I supposed to get the city back to where it belongs, and where exactly are the rest of my people?" he asked. She continued to smile upon him.

"I can't answer those questions. You know that we are forbidden to interfere in human things. You will have to seek your answers from another source."

"Waaait." He said with a drawl. " You ARE not going to tell me that I have to go to the emerald city and talk to the wizard."

"There is no 'wizard' here, and no emerald city." She said with that same smile that was really getting on his nerves. He let out a breath. Okay at least this thing was not going to be completely weird. "However there is an wise who abides in the mountains to the west. He lives in a cave with his followers. He uses his power to protect them from the evil that would take over. There is a power source there, what you call a ZPM. Its power could be used to fly the city. The navigation computers would help you return to New Lantea. You would have only to wish it hard enough." He looked toward the mountains. In the light of the now setting sun they looked distinctly…green. So much for it not getting too weird. He turned back to her.

"And how exactly do I find this place; follow the yellow brick road?" he asked. Yep, way into the weird thing now.

"I do not know of this 'yellow brick road' that you speak of. There are no roads here, only trails. However, there is a man taking a load of bricks to the people of the caves. If you follow it you will find what you seek." She pointed to a small cart at the edge of the village, loaded high with yellow bricks. Sheppard stared at it.

"Yes!" Yelk, who had been standing nearby started, "You should…"

"Don't say it!" Sheppard warned, but the man ignored him and completed the sentence.

"Follow the yellow brick load." Sheppard groaned.

"You have got to be kidding me?" The others looked at him in puzzlement. He sighed and shifted his P90. He glanced at the city. Well it wasn't like anyone was going to steal it, though he wouldn't put it past Yelk and his crew to 'salvage' few things. The headman must have divined his thoughts.

"We will watch over your city, Sheppard. No one will enter it. It is sacred to the gods. Be not afraid. The wise man will help you I am sure." Yelk promised.

Sheppard could find little to argue with there, and it seemed as if he was being swept along in something that was determined to play out, no matter how cheesy. He looked down at the dog and jerked his head after the cart that was pulling out of the village at a very slow pace. The dog seemed to understand and followed along as Sheppard ambled after the cart.

"Wait." The Ancient woman called to him as he reached the edge of the clearing. "Perhaps these will be will aid you in your search." she said and gestured toward where Kolya's legs were sticking out from under the city. "He seemed to value them greatly." The lid of the basket opened and two red objects flew across the clearing to Sheppard's hands. He looked down at what he held then back at the Ancient woman.

"Ruby colored swimming flippers, really?" He asked. "I'm going to the mountains, what am I going to do with these?" The Ancient merely smiled at him and disappeared in a flash of light. Great. He stuffed the flippers in his pack and walked off after the cart, the leaving the sounds of celebration behind him in the village.

An hour later Sheppard was ready to start pushing the damn cart to make it go faster, either that or harness Toto in with the donkey-like creatures that were pulling it and see if he could make things go faster. He doubted if they had made more than five miles from the village. At this rate he was going to be stuck here for the foreseeable future. They were currently making their way down a rutted trail that had obviously been used for exactly this same thing for a long time. The grooves were as deep as the axel of the cart. The trail cut through a field of what looked like corn, and Sheppard was wondering just exactly why that would be when a voice broke into his thoughts, a very familiar voice.

"I'd tell you to get a horse, but at the rate you're going you might as well stay on foot and just bed down for the night. You can catch him at the end of the field in the morning." Sheppard spun around, expecting to see McKay standing behind him, but there was no one there. Great, was he having auditory hallucinations now? There was a derisive snort.

"I'm over here, nimrod." The voice said. He turned to his right, and saw what looked like a bundle of old clothes hanging from a cross-like structure. As he watched the head, covered in a straw hat, rose slowly and he was looking into Rodney McKay's face. At least it was McKay's face if he had been made of fabric and straw. He was a scarecrow! Sheppard stood there gaping as the figure crossed its arms and gave a huff.

"What, you've never seen a scarecrow before? Just how provincial are we? Or what is the opposite of provincial since a provincial would know what one looked like, which you obviously don't or you wouldn't be standing there gawping like an idiot. You could help me down you know. It isn't exactly comfortable having a stick up my…Well I'll leave that to your imagination." In a daze Sheppard stepped forward and lifted the figure down off the post. In some corner of his mind that was still functioning anywhere near normal he noted that the scientist was noticeably lighter than he regularly was, just as if he were filled with straw…Sheppard shook off that thought. That wasn't possible; was it? He watched as 'McKay' wondered around in a circle, his knees not quite locking. Finally he seemed to get the hang of things and turned to Sheppard, arms crossed on his chest and cloth chin stuck out belligerently.

"And where have you been? I've been hanging around up there for…well for as long as I can remember. You think that I don't have anything better to do than wait for you and…" He broke off and stared at the small dog that was sniffing at his leg. "What is that?"

"It's a dog." The scarecrow, he couldn't quite think of it as McKay, even with the acidity, rolled his eyes.

"No, I thought it was a mountain lion. Of course it is a dog. The question is why is it with you?"

"When wondering in Oz doesn't one have to have a dog? Thought it was a rule." Sheppard said flippantly. He didn't now what was going on here, but he might as well enjoy it.

"Oz? What are you babbling about? This is Psx-456. Are you high?" The scarecrow said studying him suspiciously. "All that hair gel finally crossed the hair/brain barrier and caused brain damage?"

"Rodney. Have you noticed anything different about yourself?" He asked. He watched the scarecrow carefully as it studied its arms and legs then looked back at him.

"No, why?"

"Don't you seem to be…a little lighter? The scarecrow patted its rather well stuffed stomach.

"Well I have been doing some crunches. Not much else to do when hanging around waiting for some people. I may have lost a pound or two."

"Have you noticed that you seem to be stuffed with straw?" Might as well get right to the point since the scarecrow didn't seem to be getting a clue. Rodney brought up a gloved hand and studied the tuft of straw that was poking out of his shirtsleeve.

"Hmm, so I am." He shrugged. " So?"

"Doesn't that seem just a little weird to you?"

"Should it?" Rodney flicked a bug off his arm that was crawling toward a hole in his plaid shirt. He seemed supremely unconcerned.

"Well you haven't always been that way. Don't you think it is some cause for concern? Also, how did you get here? You went through the gate before me, you should be on Atlantis." The cloth features wrinkled in thought, but soon smoothed out. He shrugged.

"I don't remember."

"What do you mean you don't remember? What don't you remember?"

"Anything."

"And that doesn't bother you in the slightest?" Another shrug. "Rodney, 97, prime or not prime?" The scarecrow blinked at him. "What's the Adiabatic theorem?" Still nothing. "Kavenaugh says that he can make a working flux capacitor and we can all take the Delorean back and watch the dinosaurs. Want to come?" A smile bloomed.

"Sounds like fun! When do we go?" He actually looked enthusiastic.

"Oh my god you really don't have a brain do you? You would rather kill yourself than not rant about flux capacitors and Kavenaugh." Rodney looked wounded.

"You don't have to be so blunt. I do have feelings you know. So I don't have a brain. What's it to you?" He looked sullen. "Not much I can do about it anyway." Sheppard, having been run over by the clue bus enough, instantly got with the program.

"Well, I'm going to the mountains over there to talk to a very wise man. Maybe he could help you with that?"

"Oh, great." Rodney peered at the mountains. "We don't have to walk the whole way do we?" Sheppard laughed and started after the wagon that had barely gotten out of sight. McKay followed along, his knees still going a few different ways occasionally, and shooing the dog away.

They walked for another hour, making almost as far as before. The mountains didn't seem noticeably closer, but at least they were out of the cornfields and into another part of the woods. McKay had chatted almost constantly about just about everything. It seemed that while he might not be as smart as before, he was just as sarcastic. Everything was fair game from Sheppard's hair to the color of the leaves on a particular tree (they were purple-who had purple trees?) Sheppard had tried to subtly probe the scarecrow's memories, but he needn't have bothered, either being subtle or asking. Rodney didn't remember anything before he was on the pole. He didn't know how he knew Sheppard, he just thought he did, and he didn't remember ever being smart. The weird thing was that as Sheppard brought things up, he remembered just enough to keep the conversation going.

"Of course if I _was_ smart," he had replied, " I was probably _very_ smart. I can see that." Great, his ego was intact, even if his brain wasn't.

They walked for another fifteen minutes. Toto occasionally made forays off to the side, but always reappeared seemingly to check on Sheppard and McKay. They were all walking together when a small hut came into sight. The brick cart had just kept plodding right on past it, but Sheppard couldn't help but notice it. Unlike the huts in the village that had been made out of the yellow bricks, this hut was made from the same ubiquitous material that all the Ancient machines were made of. McKay had once explained to him that it was part metal and part composite, but he wasn't sure what exactly it was made of. He was pretty sure though that the Ancients didn't make huts out of it. He stopped and looked at it more closely. He almost didn't see the figure standing just a little to the side of the hut as weeds and saplings had grown up around it. He gave an exclamation and plunged off the road toward it.

"Where are you going? We'll loose the cart…oh what am I saying. We couldn't lose that thing if we had both legs broken and had to crawl after it." McKay followed him into the weeds, muttering about burrs and chiggers as he did so. He caught up with Sheppard as he was stomping down the high weeds that shrouded the figure.

If he hadn't known better he would have thought that what stood there in the weeds was a statue carved out of the Ancient composite material. But it had to be more. As he cleared away the brush, Sheppard could see that it was Teyla, in every detail, right down to the laces on her leather corset thingie. Once he had a clear space he stood staring at her. Now what. She didn't look rusty, so it seemed unlikely that an oilcan was going to do it. As far as he knew one of the properties of the material was that it was self-lubricating. He waved a hand in front of the still face.

"Oh yes, that should do it." Rodney snarked.

"Do you even know what I am trying to do?" Sheppard asked him. The scarecrow looked taken aback for a moment, and shook his head.

"No, but waving your hand doesn't do much beyond make a breeze. Are you suddenly hot? I mean the statue is built, I'll grant you, but it hardly merits…" There was a mumbling sound from the 'statue'. Sheppard grinned.

"I don't think she liked that description." He said. He looked around. There had to be something. He went toward the hut. As he stepped across the threshold a light came on and there was a whirring sound from across the small room. He looked that way and a small figure, about six inches tall, dressed in a white robe appeared on a small dais. Well, unless this was a miniature Ancient, or Princess Leia sending out a message to the rebellion, this appeared to be an actual hologram. It seemed to be starting its speech somewhere already in progress.

"…the water hydraulic system has been an overall success but with a fatal flaw. I have found that due to the porous nature of the material with which the simulacrum has been built any additional fluid will lead to an overpressure situation leading to system failure. At that point the excess pressure must be bled from the system using the release valve on the back of the neck area. Once this is done the system will reset and will continue operating until it once again becomes over-pressurized. Until I can obtain alternate materials with which to construct a new machine I am afraid I will be forced to discontinue my work. I am reluctant to abandon the research, but given the siege status of Atlantis I do not see any alternative at this point. I will continue…" The hologram winked off at that point and McKay, who had been watching over Sheppard's shoulder grunted.

"Wow. That was neat. What was he talking about?" Sheppard smiled at him and pushed out of the hut.

"He was talking about why Teyla is stuck here." He said. He went behind the, what had the Ancient called it, simulacrum, and looked under the hair that was fashioned as being pulled back in a ponytail. Under the 'hair' Sheppard saw a small valve. He reached in gingerly and twisted it. He felt the mental pop that accompanied the use of Ancient machines. There was a bubbling, hissing, sound and a small stream of water shot out and hit McKay in the face. He danced away, spluttering.

"Great, now my face will run, do you know how long it took me to dry out after the last rain?" He paused in his rant. "Well, I don't really know how long it was, but it seemed really long. I do _not_ need to do that again. I may even start to mold, and nobody wants that."

As he was rambling Sheppard was watching Teyla. As the stream of water slowed to a stop he noticed one of the arms, half raised, was slowly moving down. A moment later the head, which had been tilted down, slowly tilted back until the eyes, Teyla's dark eyes, were looking at Sheppard. They blinked and he smiled.

"Teyla?" He asked. The head tilted slowly to the side. The mouth worked a few times, but no sound came out. Finally a sound emerged.

"Whooo…whooo…"

"Great, it's an owl." Rodney said. Sheppard swatted at him, pushing the lighter than usual scientist over. "Hey."

"Sorry Rodney." Sheppard apologized without taking his eyes off Teyla. "My name is Sheppard, this is Rodney. Do you know us?" The composite brow wrinkled. Then the head nodded.

"I…I…know…names." Sheppard took that to mean that like Rodney she recognized the names, but not really who they were. No real big surprise there. Evidently he was the only one that was going to understand what was really going on here, and he wasn't sure about that when he considered it.

"Don't worry about it, seems to be S.O.P. here. How long have you been stuck here?" Teyla worked her jaw a few times before she answered.

"I do not know. It has been a long time. When I become stuck I cannot keep track of time correctly. I thank you for freeing me." Sheppard noticed that her voice seemed flat, with none of the richness that he had come to expect of the woman.

"How exactly did you get uh stuck?"

"There was a cart coming by and I came out to greet the driver. They are the only ones I ever see here. I did not pay attention to the weather as I talked and it began to rain. I tried to reach the hut, but I did not make it before the pressure rose too high. The cart driver tried to help me but he did not understand. I have stood there since."

"Wow, that's…depressing. You must have been afraid." Sheppard observed. She shook her head, working her limbs as she did so, obviously stiff from remaining still so long. He wondered briefly at the intricacy of the hydraulic systems that would allow her fingers to move so smoothly, but he didn't want to ask. It seemed sort of personal.

"I do not feel fear, or depression, though I know of what you speak. I have no heart, no spirit. I cannot feel these things. My builder was to attempt to give me a heart, but he left before he could do so. He has never returned."

"That's…not unexpected." Sheppard said. It really wasn't. After all they were working an established story here. Time to move it along. "You know Rodney here and I are going to the mountains that way. I'm told that there is an Ancient, I mean a wise man, there who can do some wonderful things. Maybe it's even your…creator. Maybe you can get that heart that he promised you." Tin Teyla studied him seriously then looked to the sky.

"If it rains I will stop again. I am faulty." She warned.

"Well I know how to fix you, so if it does rain, we'll take care of it. I really think you should come along. It's not like there's anything here for you, except the cart drivers every now and then." Teyla a considered some more, then nodded. "Great. Is there anything you want to bring with you?" Teyla went into the hut and came out with a set of bantos rods. He should have known.

"These are all I need. Shall we go?"

They hurried after the cart, catching up with it soon after, no big surprise, and Sheppard was beginning to wonder if any cart had ever actually arrived at the mountain or if there was just an endless train of them on a never-ending trek toward the mountains. They walked along companionably, and as they did he listened to Rodney and Teyla arguing the merits of brains versus heart. Just like Dorothy he soon realized that the two lacked neither, no matter what appearances might be. He wondered if he was supposed to be learning something here, probably not.

He noticed that Toto had wandered off the path into the woods again, and vaguely thought that the dog should be made to stick a little closer to the path. He didn't really know what might be lurking in the woods. Just as he thought that, he heard the dog give a yip and then begin to bark. The barking was the high frantic sound of a frightened animal. He jerked up the P90 and ran into the woods, hearing Rodney calling after him.

"It's just a dog!" Nothing was going to eat his dog, damn it. Toto made it through the real story, and he was going to make it through this one too.

He finally spotted the dog running toward him. The dog ran to him and moved around behind him, growling back in the direction he had come. Suddenly he was all about offense now that he had back up. Teyla moved up along side Sheppard, rods ready. There was a sudden burst of activity in the bushes ahead of them, and a tall figure covered in tan fur burst out of the underbrush. It rapidly became obvious that it hadn't expected Sheppard and Teyla to be there as it came to a complete halt in mid roar and stared at them with wide eyes. Teyla gave a yell and bounded forward swinging one Bantos rod and whacking the creature on one paw/hand. It shrieked like a banshee and threw itself up against the nearest tree, whimpering pitifully and trying to curl into a tiny ball.

"Why'd you do that" it whined, and Sheppard had to muffle a snort of laughter at the tone. He also was more than slightly amused to see Ronan, covered in golden fur from head to toe, but with his signature dreadlocks still in place. He had a black nose and yes, a tail, tipped with a dreadlocked knot of hair. The Satedan Cowardly lion raised tear-filled dark eyes to Sheppard and Teyla, and Sheppard was forced to bit his lip at the utter misery that was there. It just wouldn't be polite to laugh, really.

"You were trying to eat the dog." Teyla accused, bantos rods at the ready. Evidently the tears had no effect on her. Oh right, no heart.

"I wasn't really going to eat it. I just wanted to…to…scare it." The last two words were whispered. If anything the eyes got even more miserable and afraid. Suddenly it wasn't as funny as it had been. Sheppard offered his hand to the lion, causing him to shrink back. Sheppard kept his hand there until Ronan put up a paw and took hold. Sheppard levered the bigger man up nodded back toward the road.

"We're traveling to the mountains to see the uh wise man. Maybe you would like to come along?" he asked. Ronan looked nervously at Sheppard and Tin Teyla and then through the brush to Scarecrow Rodney who was watching from the road. He looked uncertain.

"They look awfully dark and…and…sorta scary." He said doubtfully.

"Yeah, well I guess you could say that about these woods too, but here you are. At least you'll be with a group. Also we're going to see the wiz…uh wise man who might be able to help you with your…courage issues." Ronan might be a coward, but he usually could whip Sheppard's ass any time he wanted, and he wasn't going to make the 'man' mad.

"Well, I don't know…" Apparently he was afraid to make a decision too. Sheppard grabbed his arm and started dragging him toward the road. Ronan went along reluctantly though he gave an undignified yip of fright and hid behind Teyla when Rodney scowled at him.

"Well aren't we the happy little band of travelers now? What you have gypsy blood and have to travel in a group?" He hissed at Sheppard, watching Ronan out of the corner of his eye. "Only you would go about picking up stray's in the middle of god awful nowhere." He ranted on. They had caught up with the cart again, and after falling far enough back that Ronan would quite shaking at the thought of the draft animals, they were ambling along at the regular slow pace.

"You could have a point there, stray number 1" he snarked back. That started a whole argument regarding various things including the difference between hay and straw, the weathering properties of flannel versus denim, and strangely enough, the relative merits of corn versus winter wheat as a cover crop. It all reinforced the story line that Rodney the scarecrow wasn't anywhere near brainless, but when Sheppard pointed that out the scarecrow waved it off and went off to sulk in the rear. Teyla had moved over and patted Sheppard's arm in consolation, which he pointed out to her meant she was trying to make him feel better, which meant she had compassion, but she shook her head and replied that it only meant she had learned the gestures not the feelings. Giving up on her he had turned his attention to Ronan, but the man-lion was just as chatty now as he regularly was, and Sheppard couldn't get more than a grunt out of him.

He gave up on his companions and contemplated his situation as he wandered along after the cart. He could only assume that this was all the result of that damn drink. He was probably lying in a coma somewhere having a dream, and what a dream it was. He hoped that he had at least made it back to Atlantis before he collapsed. It wouldn't have left a good impression with Yelk and his people if he had passed out right after drinking the ceremonial drink. Since the tornado hadn't shown up until they were almost back to the gate he figured that was probably when it had happened, and he amused himself with the thought that his team had probably had to carry him the rest of the way.

He had mixed feelings about that. On one had it served them right for making him drink the damn stuff by himself. On the other he hated the thought of being brought home passed out from one drink of jungle juice. He would never live that down. He could foresee a lot of offers of milk and Kool-Aid in his future. That is if he managed to get out of this place. Just how long was this going to drag on? They weren't going to have to do the whole find the wicked witch and her broomstick thing were they?

Just then they emerged from the forest, and to Sheppard's astonishment they were at the base of the big green mountain. He looked from the mountain back the way that they had come and then back to the mountain. All right then, it seemed that things were going to be hurried along a little. He was all for that. The cart was moving even slower as it started up the steep path that seemed to switchback its way up the mountain. Sheppard eyed a second, smaller path that seemed to cut straight up the hill and with a jerk of the head to the others started up it. There was only one way to go, so it wasn't like they could get lost.

After about an hour of climbing they reached the mouth of a huge cave, and given the ruts that led into it there was little doubt that this was the place, or at least the entrance to it. They went in only to find the way blocked by a wall, made of yellow bricks, across the width of the cave, not a small structure. There was a large gate, and a smaller door inset in it. After a quick look at his companions Sheppard shrugged and pounded on the gate. It was with no surprise that the smaller door was flung open by a man about the same size as Yelk.

"Go away!" The man yelled and slammed the door. Sheppard blinked and knocked again. The door slammed open again and the same man poked his head back out.

"I told you to go away! We don't need whatever you are selling. The wise man has everything that he needs. Well, except some bricks, you don't have any, do you?"

"There's some coming up the…" The other man cut him off.

"Fine, let me know when they get here." He started to slam the door again, but Sheppard stuck his foot in it and it didn't latch. He leaned on it, pushing it open with the weight of his body. He hoped that the little guy wasn't backed up by a crowd, he didn't want to hurt anyone. He just wanted to get this over with and go home, or wake up, or whatever.

"Look," he said over the man's yelling, "We just need to see the wise man. One of the uh gods sent us up here to see him."

"Well why didn't you say so to begin with/" the man said in consternation. "I'm Yerl, the wise man's assistant. I'll take you to him. He's having audiences this afternoon; you're in luck."

He led them deeper into the cave. The cave opened up into a huge cavern. Most of the available space was filled with huts of various sizes made of the yellow brick. Many people were in the 'streets' between the huts, and they stared at the four strangers as they passed. Since they were all the same size as their guide, Sheppard felt somewhat oversized. They soon moved into a second cavern. Unlike the first this smaller cavern was taken up by only one structure, one that was still being built evidently as there were incomplete walls on one side. Looks like this was where the load of brick was going.

Yerl marched them through the doorway of the structure and lead them through a series of ever-grander chambers until they were at the end of one large room. There was a short line of people standing at one end, evidently waiting to go through the door that was there. Yerl waved them into place at the end of the line.

"You'll be the last of the day. You'll be called into the audience chamber when it is your turn." He said. Sheppard caught his arm before he could disappear.

"We kind of want to go in together if possible." He said. Yerl shrugged.

"Not a problem. The wise man will see you alone or in a group. When it's your turn just all go in at once." He shot off the way they had come, leaving the four to stand at the end of the line. They were the object of some curious stares from the others in line, but no one spoke to them. Sheppard studied his little band.

Rodney was talking Tin Teyla's ear off about something or other, he thought it had something to do with crows, but he really didn't want to know. Ronan was shifting nervously from foot to foot, trying to keep the others between himself and the strangers. When he caught Sheppard's eyes on him he shuffled over.

"Do you really think that this wise man can give me courage?" He asked. Sheppard smiled at him, and patted his back.

"I think you're braver than you give yourself credit for my friend." He said. Ronan looked dubious. Sheppard patted his back again. He noticed that they were now next in line, and were the only ones in the room. Rodney had gotten off crows and for some reason was talking about corn fungus and its uses in cooking. He was going to remember this when he got back to the real world. The real McKay would be mortified; biology, agriculture and cooking. Oh my!

He toned down his grin as they were called into the audience chamber. He hadn't been sure what to expect, but none of those particular scenarios were fulfilled. No throne, no dais, no altar, in fact, it was just one great big room with wall hangings all the way around, except over the door. Evidently the 'man behind the curtain' only needed the curtain and nothing more. He shrugged and stepped forward.

"Uh…hello? My name is Sheppard. My friends are Rodney, Teyla, and Ronan. We…uh…we were told you could help us out." He announced to the room. He thought Ronan was going to faint when a booming voice answered.

"State your requests. If you are found worthy they will be granted." The voice said. Sheppard was sure that he recognized the voice, but he could not put a name to it. He motioned to Rodney to go first.

"I want to be smart." He said. "Smarter than anyone, anywhere." Sheppard had to smile at that. Leave it to McKay to want to be the smartest. Teyla went next.

"I wish to have a heart, so that I may feel things." She said simply. She motioned to Rona, who looked fearfully about then stepped forward.

"I…uh…I…want to be brave, to be courageous." He squeaked and then scuttled behind Teyla, and Sheppard had to hide another smile. Now it was his turn and so he stepped forward.

"Yeah, well I need something a little less…esoteric. I need a ZPM so I can get Atlantis, my city, back to where it belongs." He felt a little bit silly asking an empty room for something, but what the hell.

"Hmmm, all very interesting, and difficult. I can see why you have come to me." The voice said, trying for wise, and only reaching smarmy. A bell started to ring very faintly in the back of Sheppard's head. That voice…

"I can help with all these things, however, you must do something for me first, in payment." Sheppard shifted nervously. All right, it looked like they were going to do the 'bring me the witch's broomstick' thing. Would this never end? Couldn't they do it on credit, or time-served, or something? The voice was going on.

"There is an herb, that grows in the wilds beyond these mountains. The people here fear to go there as there are fierce beings that stalk the land. If you were to bring me some of this herb in sufficient quantities, I would be able to fulfill your wishes. Is this agreeable?"

The little bell became a whole carillon, and Sheppard almost hurt himself with the snort of disbelief that he gave as it suddenly came to him. Lucius, the wise man was Lucius. He supposed that there wasn't any better choice than the Pegasus snake-oil sales man for the roll of the 'wizard'. After all the man was a con man wherever he went. The others were already nodding their heads in agreement, and he knew that he was going to go along anyway, so he figured he might as well get it over with.

"I don't suppose these 'fierce beings' are like…flying monkeys, are they?" He asked. His companions looked at him in confusion, and the voice answered with a touch of puzzlement.

"I am unfamiliar with these creatures of which you speak, are they native to your land?"

"No, just something that shows up every now and then, usually after tornados. So, how do we know what this herb looks like?" He asked, waving the whole monkey thing aside.

"My servant will show you as you leave. Beware the fierce creatures and their master. She is incredibly evil and will seek to thwart you."

"_Thwart_?" Sheppard thought to himself as he followed the others out, "_Who uses thwart_."

An hour later they were making their way down a steep path on the other side of the mountain. The servant had not only supplied them with a sample of the herb, which looked strikingly like marijuana to Sheppard, but had also shown them another exit that led them out high above the 'wild lands'. He was listening as Teyla was telling the others about how she had stood in place for so long, watching as people passed back and forth on the path, yet never stopped to help her, or even to speak to her. He could hear the pain it had caused her, and he wondered why she thought she didn't have a heart if she could feel that. Did she think that you would only feel good things? He shook his head. He was getting too far into this. He really needed to get it over with.

They were soon at the base of the mountain and Sheppard looked around. All right, which way now? It wasn't like there was a big signpost that pointed out 'this way to the wacky tobaccy'. Best to stick with the story he supposed and he led the others toward the east. They had only gone a short way when he heard it, the sound that made his skin crawl. Wraith darts. Guess he got those flying monkeys after all. He pushed McKay toward the bushes that lined the path they had been taking, and grabbed Ronan's arm and started dragging him to the side as well. Teyla, he knew, would be able to take care of herself.

"I got a feeling our 'fierce beings' are coming, we need to hide." He said. The others had heard the sound now too and were looking up for what was making it. Ronan, evidently scared silly just at the thought was cowering under a bush. Teyla was standing near Sheppard, eyes on the sky, bantos rods at ready. Good, she was still a warrior. Sheppard raised his P90. He bet Dorothy would have liked to have one of these babies a few times on her trip through Oz. He hoped that they could just hide and let the darts pass by and just keep looking for the herb. He had a feeling it wasn't going to work that way, but he had to try. He was thinking that they were going to make it when he noticed that Rodney had wondered back out onto the path, the path in clear view from the sky, and was pointing up at one of the now visible darts.

"Hey look, it's flying!" McKay sounded completely astounded. He was also completely oblivious to the culling beam that was heading right for him. Sheppard cursed and ran toward the scarecrow. He was subliminally aware that Toto was on his heels as he rushed toward his friend.

"Rodney!" He yelled as the beam approached, not sure if he was going to be in time. The scarecrow turned to look at him, and stumbled back over a rock, falling out of the path of the culling beam. Unfortunately Sheppard could not stop his headlong rush, and he fell directly into it, and into the familiar darkness beyond.

He was beginning to get used to the whole waking up with something licking him thing. He wondered if that was going to become some kink. It was no surprise when he opened his eyes to find the dog staring at him from close by. He closed his eyes against the pounding in his head, and forced himself to sit up. That hurt so much that he pulled his knees up and rested his aching head on them. Should he have a hangover while he was in a coma and hallucinating? Did that happen? Guess it did. He slowly became aware that it was cold, and that the air had that slightly moldy smell to it that he had come to associate with Wraith hives and installations. This probably meant that he spent way too much time in them. He opened one eye. He was in a Wraith cell. He closed the eye again.

After five or so minutes he felt somewhat better and opened both eyes. Toto had curled up at his feet, and Sheppard idly petted the small dog as he looked around at the cell. Yucky black, green, and red walls, check; spider-webby door, check; cold, hard floor, check, nothing new here. He could see some rock among the bio-construction materials so he was pretty sure he was still on the planet, and not in a hive, but he wasn't all that sure it was better, just different. With a final pat to Toto he struggled to his feet, leaning for a moment against the wall as his head spun. He staggered to the door and grabbed hold of the 'bars'. No time like the present.

"Hey, what's a guy gotta do to get room service around here?' he bellowed down the empty hallway. Nothing. Typical. He was so not going to give this place a good rating in his forthcoming book on the best prisons in the Pegasus Galaxy. Of course since this was all some kind of weird illusion he wasn't sure that this could be included anyway, but whatever. He sank back down to the floor, leaning against the wall, and smiled as Toto crawled up into his lap. He patted the small dog.

"You know you really need a better name than Toto. That's so cliché. I'm pretty good at names. Ask Todd and Michael. I'm thinking something more macho. Wait a minute, you are a boy dog, right?" He mentally reviewed the day, and yes, he had seen a hiked leg in there somewhere. "Great, now what's a manly sounding dog name?"

He had amused himself for almost fifteen minutes with the name game. Toto had refused most of the names with a lift of the eyebrow, though Sheppard saw nothing wrong with the name 'Cujo'. They had finally settled on the interim name Butch, pending a final decision regarding 'Killer', 'Fang', or 'Verdell'. After that they had simply sat there, Sheppard's hand idly petting the dog as he let himself drift a little. This coma thing was exhausting. It was almost an hour later that he heard the pounding of feet coming down the corridor. He shifted the dog off his lap and got to his feet. He had made it his policy to always meet things trying to kill him while on his feet. Call it a quirk. He was at the bars when the ubiquitous Wraith male appeared followed by four drones.

"Well," He drawled. "It's about time. I called for room service ages ago. I bet the fries are cold by now. There will be no tip." The Wraith ignored him as they usually did, giving him only that growly-hiss thing and motioning the drones forward. Two of the big brutes grabbed him by the arms, and basically carried him out of the cell. Toto, no, Butch, followed, completely ignored by the Wraith. The dog at least had the good sense not to make a scene. Maybe he needed to take a lesson.

They marched through the installation, Sheppard's feet sometimes off the floor. He complained as often as he could, and was ignored just like the dog was. He was beginning to feel unappreciated. If he was going to roll out the sarcasm someone damn well better be offended. He'd put a lot of time into that skill set. In any event they were soon in what he recognized as the queen's chamber and he was placed in the center on the slightly raised dais, the one with the light shining down on it, leaving the rest of the room in shadow. He was starting to think that the Wraith had some cheesy TV set designer doing their lighting. He didn't give them the satisfaction of looking around. He figured the bitch would show up when she felt like it, and he would just wait. Toto-Butch had stopped just near the door, obviously not liking something about the room. Sheppard could not blame him there.

Since he knew it was coming he didn't jump when a long fingered hand moved caressingly over his shoulder. He didn't turn, waiting until she moved around to stand in front of him with that wide Wraith smile that made him think of a great white shark. This particular great white had glaringly bright neon green hair. He wondered briefly if she had it tinted, but then the rest of them all seemed to tend to the bright colors too. Maybe there was a line of hair colors made only for Wraith queens. It was something to think about. If they could cut off the supply…his line of thought was cut off as the queen decided to chat.

"So, this is the famed 'evil-killer' that the small cattle speak of. The great savior of their kind?" She hissed. He raised a brow.

"You know how it is. Some are born great; some have greatness thrust upon them. I like to think of it as being in the right place at the right time with a billion ton city. It could have been anyone, like a little girl in gingham and pigtails." The queen frowned at his flippant reply, but shrugged it off as they often seemed to do. No appreciation.

"The city is a prize that would win me great favor among the other queens." She said. 'And it is said that you…" She ran a finger down his cheek and he had to grit his teeth to keep from flinching or punching her. "Are of the blood of the Lanteans." She leaned in and sniffed at him. He was beginning to wonder if there was some special smell that went along with the damn ATA gene, they all seemed to sniff him. "You can help me take control, and in return I let you live. Does that not seem fair to you?" She was smiling at him again.

"Oh yeah, I can see how that works out really well…for you. I see myself ending up as a midnight snack for you after you get Atlantis to where ever you want it to be." He had a flash of intuition. "You wouldn't be stuck here would you now?" He hazarded a guess. "Little problem with the hive ship? Dead battery, bad starter, outta gas?" She hissed at him in irritation and grabbed his shoulder, forcing him down to his knees. Her voice echoed through his head in that weird way they had and he gritted his teeth.

"You will do what I command you, human, or you will become food for my crew. If I cannot use you one way I will use you another. It falls to you to decide which it will be. I can make you do my bidding." The last threat was delivered in a tone that felt like she had driven an ice pick through his ear. She was obviously going to go on when the male entered the chamber. She turned on him with a displeased look. Sheppard was glad of the distraction. His brain felt like it had been stomped on with hobnail boots, and she had barely started.

"Your pardon my queen." The male said with a bow of his head. "A message is coming in. You are requested." Well that was circumspect. Obviously they didn't feel that Sheppard needed to know what was being talked about. The queen gave it a moment of thought and then waved a hand at Sheppard.

"Tie him and leave him here, I will return shortly to continue our…talk." With that last threat she strode from the room. The male gestured to one of the drones and it moved forward taking a length of rope from its belt. Sheppard soon found himself with his hands tied behind him and tossed against the wall. He slid down into a heap and tried to catch the breath that had been knocked out of him. Finally able to breath again he managed to get into a seated position and evaluated his situation. He quickly came to the conclusion that he was mostly screwed.

He suspected the Wraith were stuck here for some reason. Probably hive problems as he had teased, given the response. They were smart enough to know that the city would do them no good if they didn't have a gene carrier to use it. They must not even have inter- system communications if they couldn't call for help. He stopped his train of thought right there. Wait a minute. This was all a hallucination, why was he even pondering this? It was what it was because his mind had decided that it needed a group of Wraith for this whole deal. So he needed to turn his thoughts to a more productive task. He needed to get out of here. After all, Dorothy had gotten away, he wasn't going to be gotten the better of by some girl from Kansas, even if she could sing better than he did.

He was still pondering the possibilities sometime later when Toto/Butch/Verdell nudged against his hand. He looked down and away, then did a double take. Toto had a knife in his teeth, one of Ronan's knives. He had seen enough of them to know them when he saw them. He looked around. He didn't see anyone, not even a Wraith. He swiveled around on the floor so that his back and bound hands were toward the dog. After a brief tussle, when the dog seemed to think it was all a game, Sheppard managed to get the knife away from him and started sawing at the ropes. He took the precaution of swinging back around so that the knife was hidden behind him as he worked. He was glad he did so when the door opened just as he finished sawing.

Unfortunately he was not too pleased with what he saw when he looked up. His three traveling companions where being pushed into the room by the Wraith male. The queen came in behind him, smirking at McKay's snarky whining.

"…I mean really we were just passing by and stepped in out of the rain. I tend to mold you know, that makes me sneeze and wheeze. Teyla here tends to freeze up, and Ronan's afraid of the lightening. We thought it was just a cave or something. Now that we know it's occupied we'll just move on." He was saying.

"I think you will remain our guests, along with your friend here."

"Friend, what friend? I don't have any friends. I just travel with these people because we're all going the same way. I don't know anyone out here, especially ones that live in a cave. I don't get out much really, usually just hang around on a pole actually." McKay protested. The Wraith ignored him. Sheppard pushed himself to his feet as if his hands were still tied. He carefully wrapped the ropes around his wrists so that they would hopefully pass a quick inspection. The Wraith tended to be arrogant, and he was ready to take advantage of that. The other three were herded around so that they were next to Sheppard. McKay was still talking.

"You know you really need to do something with this place. It is kind of damp. Not that I mind damp, though the mold thing applies, but it does keep the fire hazard down. Not so fond of that you know." The queen rolled her eyes. She waved the male over and they had a quiet conversation. Sheppard looked at the others and gave them what he was sure was a somewhat sickly smile.

"Fancy meeting you here." He said finally. McKay scowled at him.

"Oh yes, let us be flippant in the face of complete disaster. That will make us all feel better." He said. Teyla placed a hand on his arm.

"What he means to say is that we have been looking for you. We managed to follow the craft that took you. We tried to sneak in, but were captured and brought here. Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Kinda surprised to see you all, but alright." He replied.

"Did you get the…" McKay started to ask, and Sheppard kicked him in the shin. "OW! What was that for? I was just asking if…" Sheppard kicked him again. Maybe he was wrong about the brains really being there thing. McKay scowled at him and rubbed at his leg, moving to the other side of Ronan who looked at Sheppard fearfully as if expecting his own kick. Sheppard smiled at him.

"Thanks for the present, I really appreciated it. Put it to good use too, but maybe we shouldn't speak of that now." He added with what he hoped was a significant glance at McKay. The scarecrow was too busy rubbing his leg to pay any attention, but at least he was not asking about any sharp objects which Sheppard was sure had been the point before. Ronan at least understood, or perhaps feared reprisals, and simply nodded. On the whole he seemed rather calm for the situation, for which Sheppard was grateful. He was not ready for Ronan in full panic mode. He turned his attention to the Wraith as the male turned and left the room. Interesting. That meant that they were alone with the queen. She must be short of men as well as a ship.

"I see you have gotten acquainted once again." The queen said with smile.

"I always have made friends quickly. I always got a very good grade in kindergarten for socialization. I got to be crumb monitor after snack time at least once a week." Sheppard quipped. The queen ignored him. But she did move closer. Good.

"You should know that you can not lie to me human, even with the Lantean blood. These three have no such protection, and while they are not human they can still be food. You care for them. You will do anything to keep them from being harmed. That is the type of man you are. Do I need to demonstrate?" They stood eye to eye for several minutes neither giving any ground to the other. The queen turned quickly and grabbed one of the torches that were being used to light the room. Before Sheppard could react she plunged the torch at McKay who tried to fend it off with his arms, which made the fabric burst into flame, along with some straw that was poking out. He screamed, a shrill, girly kind of shriek that would have made Sheppard smirk in any other circumstances. Instead he shook off the ropes around his hands and took the knife out of his belt where he had stashed it.

As he had guessed everyone was focused on McKay, who was now yelling for a fire extinguisher. Teyla was holding his other arm trying to get him to drop and roll. Ronan was in the process of tearing off his jacket, evidently to beat out the flames. The queen was watching the drama with a small smile on her lips. She waved the torch again and McKay squealed and darted away, drawing further away from Sheppard who was standing still. The Queen's back was to him. Perfect.

He stepped forward, and drove the long blade as far into the center of her torso as he could shove it. Beckett had long ago determined that the Wraith had hearts not dissimilar to those of humans, just stronger. As soon as the blade was sunk in he grabbed her head and with a vicious twist that he had learned in SF training he snapped her neck just as she began to scream. As it was, her gurgle of death was swallowed in McKay's continued bitching, though Sheppard could see that Ronan had beat out the fire before too much damage had been done. Evidently the scarecrow had been a little damp from the rain outside and he hadn't burned very well. As it was Rodney was still smoldering a little as he stared in evident consternation at the body of the queen.

"What?! I'm in danger of becoming the next Burning Man exhibit and you seize the opportunity to stage a coup!" he snapped. " Do you realize the damage that could have been done?" He pointed to his head. "I have the potential to be the smartest man in the galaxy, hell probably several galaxies, and you would have stood by and let me be immolated while you get all Rambo."

"Rodney…" He started.

"Oh no, I do not want to hear any excuses. I see where I rate." McKay sniffed in derision.

"Did you really want to stay here, McKay?" Sheppard asked, exasperated. "She was distracted. I had a knife. There were two other people taking care of you. It seemed that seizing the day was a good idea." McKay shrugged and turned his back. Predictably, it was Teyla who smoothed things over.

"Since everyone is well. I think that we should take the opportunity that has been presented by the John's actions," she glanced at McKay, "and Rodney's bravery. If we can get out of these caves I believe that I saw a patch of the herbs that the wise man wants on our way here. We can collect them and be on our way back to receive our rewards."

"Sounds like a plan to me." Sheppard agreed. He saw that McKay had straightened up and was currently preening himself with the praise, and seemed prepared to move on. Ronan was nodding in agreement too.

They were soon sneaking out of the caves, taking advantage of the evident lack of Wraith around the place. Maybe most of them were out flying around looking for prey. In any event they did not run into any other Wraith and no alarms sounded as they went out. Evidently the queen must have sent the male to take care of something elsewhere, confident of her power, and the drones were too well trained to interrupt a queen in her chamber.

They were soon well away and found the area where Teyla had found the herbs. How she had managed to scope them out while running after a dart Sheppard had no idea. They quickly gathered up as much as they could comfortably carry and were soon on their way back toward the caverns. Sheppard found himself walking next to Ronan.

"Thanks for sending the knife. Sorry I didn't get it back for you." Ronan shrugged.

"It's all right. I'm glad Toto took it to you."

"Thought you were scared of him." The dreadlocks shook from side to side.

"No, not any more. He's not so scary once you get to know him." Ronan admitted.

"I'd say that's true of most things. Maybe your not so much cowardly as…badly socialized." He suggested, admittedly straining his pop psychology with that pronouncement. Ronan seemed unconvinced. They trooped on. It took a while, but they were soon at the base of the hill looking up at the opening of the cavern.

"Do we have to climb all the way up there carrying all of this crap?" McKay whined. To be fair the scarecrow was not built for carrying much, not unlike the human version. Sheppard rolled his eyes and reached over and took one of the bundles that McKay had and added it to his own pile. Ronan did the same, leaving McKay with one bundle. The scarecrow looked at Teyla. She shook her head.

"I believe that you are capable of carrying that one bundle Rodney. I am sure that you would not wish to overburden me on such an arduous climb." She demurred diplomatically. Sheppard was sure that it wasn't because she couldn't carry it; it was just that she did not want to, always the mom doing what was best for the 'children'.

They made it up finally, and were met with gaping looks by everyone that they passed. Evidently no one had thought that they would make it back. Showed them. They slogged through to the audience room and dropped the piles of herbs onto the floor. Sheppard thought it still looked like some kind of marijuana, and wondered briefly if the Pegasus Galaxy version of C.A.M.P was going to come swinging in and arrest them all for possession. Of course at this point he was ready to roll up the worlds largest joint and take a few hits, it could only improve this whole thing. He was taken from his thoughts by the echoing voice.

"Ah you have returned! And you have been successful, as I knew you would be." The voice boomed out. This time Sheppard must have been standing in the right place because along with the booming voice that they had heard before he caught a slight stereo effect from behind one set of curtains to his right. He crouched down and pointed Toto/Butch in the right direction.

"Kill!" He suggested to the dog as he gave a slight push in the direction of the curtains. Lucius was going on and on about something or other right up to the time that Toto grabbed onto the curtain and with a pull tugged it down off the wall. Revealed behind it was Lucius, not playing with some absurd machine like in the movie, but instead was draped over a chaise with a glass of wine in one hand and what appeared to be a microphone in the other. Typical. When the curtain came down he squawked like a chicken. Sheppard had to hide a smile.

"Well!" Lucius said with false cheer as he stumbled to his feet. "I'm so glad we have this opportunity to meet face to face." He came to stand in front of them, his eyes greedily looking over the herbs piled nearby. Sheppard wondered if this was the herb that Lucius used to make himself irresistible. He would burn the damn stuff, and not in a joint, if that were the case.

"Yeah, what a lucky break." He drawled. "We've met your requirements, time for you to pony up." He said. The others looked at him in puzzlement, probably not understanding his tone. He was slightly frustrated that he couldn't just tell them that whatever Lucius was going to do was worthless, and they already had everything, but he couldn't for some reason.

"Indeed." Lucius agreed with his big fake smile. He moved to stand in front of McKay. He reached into his shirt and pulled out an Ancient machine. He held it out with a flourish and turned it so McKay could see. "This is a machine from the Ancestors encompassing every fact known to man. This means that you have at your command every bit of knowledge that can be known. With this YOU are arguably the most knowledgeable man on this planet, in this solar system even, surpassing even myself." Sheppard rolled his eyes as McKay gingerly took the device and looked at it dumbly for several seconds.

"Why yes, YES I am the smartest man on this planet and in the solar system, at the very least. However, I want you all to know that I will not forget you." He gave a laugh. "Of course I won't, I don't forget anything. I know everything now."

"Way to keep that ego in check, McKay." Sheppard said with a snort. He should have known, from zero to genius in 60 seconds. Only McKay.

Lucius had moved to stand in front of Teyla who was watching him expressionlessly. The fat man was trying out his studly look. It faded rapidly under Teyla's cool gaze. With a sniff he reached again into his shirt. To Sheppard's surprise he pulled out an actual pocket watch. Evidently his imagination couldn't come up with any Pegasus Galaxy equivalent. Lucius bowed slightly to Teyla and raised an eyebrow. She frowned at him and he frowned in disappointment but handed her the watch. She turned her back to them and lifted her shirt. In a few moments she turned back around and the watch was missing. She held one hand against her chest and smiled.

"I can feel it beating. It's so wonderful." She sniffed and wiped away a tear with her other hand. "I feel so…happy!" She claimed as she burst into tears. Sheppard fished out a handkerchief and handed it to her as she sobbed.

"Glad it's working out so well for you." He said dubiously. He had never understood how women could cry when they were happy. It just wasn't right. Lucius seemed similarly confused and moved quickly away to stand in front of Ronan who looked down on him mildly. Lucius was exceedingly nervous as he reached into his shirt again and pulled out, surprise, surprise, a medal. In fact Sheppard was pretty sure he had seen that medal before, on one of Kolya's uniforms as a matter of fact. Evidently a little scavenging had gone on in their absence. Lucius was pinning the medal to Ronan's shirt, and the tall man seemed to be standing taller and his chest seemed to be puffing out. A big smile crossed his face and Sheppard could almost see the confidence fill the other man. Sheesh, he really needed to get his imagination in check.

"Just let those things come after us now." Ronan said. "I'd show them who's boss."

"'Show them who's boss', Chewie? You have been hanging out with us too long." Sheppard replied with a chuckle and a shoulder bump. Ronan grinned at him. At least he was happy. Sheppard noticed that Lucius was now standing in front of him.

"If you're gonna pull a ZPM outta your shirt that's gonna be some trick." He told the con man. He wondered exactly how the 'wizard' was going to try to get him 'back home'. If it was true to the story, things were not going to work out well in the next few moments.

"Oh you don't need one of those things…I have something far better." Lucius assured him. He hurried over to his little alcove and took something off a shelf. He fiddled with it as he came back toward Sheppard. "I am told-by the gods themselves, who talk to me you know-that this device will take you anywhere that you want to go with a mere thought. I haven't used it myself of course, because where could I want to go besides here, among my admirers. They really do love me here you know. Anyway, I think this is set right. It should send you right back to where you want to be…" He was starting reaching the device out toward Sheppard when the thing sprang to life, no doubt from the proximity to Sheppard's gene. The conman's eyes widened as there was a flash of light and his form began to ripple and fade. "Oh my!" he gasped. Sheppard instinctively made a grab for the device, but his hand passed through the device as Lucius faded further away. With a last frantic look around the conman disappeared all together, leaving the four people standing there staring at the empty space where he had been.

"Well he's gone to where he most wanted to be." McKay said sagely "Or maybe where YOU wanted him to be, one of the two. I can compute the possibilities for you if you'd like." He raised his device, but Sheppard waved it away.

"Well if it's number two then he's in hell. Hope he has good luck with that." Sheppard had a feeling that no matter where Lucius ended up he's still land on his feet. The conman was nothing if not resilient. He noticed that Teyla was now sobbing wildly but without the smile she had earlier.

"Oh, now you can't go home!" She wailed. "I'm so sad for you." He rolled his eyes. This whole thing was getting out of hand. At that point the door opened to the audience chamber and Yerl came in. His eyes ran over the four people and the empty alcove.

"He's gone again?" He asked. He did not seem surprised when they nodded. "Little device from the Ancestor's about yeah big?" He held his hands about four inches apart. They nodded again. He nodded back in a resigned fashion. "Happened before. One time it just sent him outside the cavern. The next time it was down by the village. He'll turn up." With that pronouncement he turned and left, leaving Sheppard to wonder whom exactly was using whom in that particular relationship. McKay was looking thoughtful and tapping his own device, which he had secured in his shirt pocket.

"I bet that the distance that he's transported is in direct proportion to the strength of the gene in the person that he approached with the device. The other two must have had some small remnant DNA. You on the other hand probably threw him to another planet. It may take him a little longer to get back this time." He said smugly. Sheppard could guess that the man was going to be insufferable for a while. Well, if he was so smart all of a sudden…

"Yeah, about that. I still need to get back home, and since Luc…the wise man has flown the coop so to speak, I'm stuck here. That device won't tell you where the ZPM is, will it?" McKay frowned and concentrated. His frown grew.

"No, and it should if there is one. It's supposed to know everything." He took the device out of his pocket, and after a good glare, smacked it one. Sheppard smiled. Oh just wait until he told McKay that one. The scientist was always giving him static about his pounding on the technology.

"I know where it is." That was Yerl again. The small man had slipped back into the room as they were talking. Sheppard turned to him.

"You know where the ZPM is?" He clarified. "Glowy thing about this long." He held his hands up in illustration. "Made by the Ancients…er the Ancestors." Yerl nodded. As he did so he went to the alcove and started putting various objects from the shelves into a sack that he had brought with him. Free enterprise in action evidently.

"It's down in the lower caverns."

"Great. Can you take us, or at least me, down there?" Sheppard realized that the others might not want to come along since they had their prizes. But Teyla quickly spoke up.

"Of course we will come with you. I am so happy, and I will do everything I can to make sure that you too are happy. I want everyone to feel as good as I do." She seemed to be tearing up again, so Sheppard turned hastily back to Yerl.

"Okay, so where exactly are these caverns?"

McKay and Ronan had declared their intent to come along, and they were soon moving along some barely lit caves that opened occasionally into small caverns that were obviously being used for storage. Ronan had boldly grabbed a torch and was more or less leading the way at Yerl's direction. The smaller man seemed content to simply call out the turns as they appeared. It was very cold, and Sheppard could see various partially-butchered animals being kept here something like in a meat locker. The temperature seemed to be dropping with every foot that they descended, and McKay began explaining to them about ambient heat and several laws of thermodynamics. Sheppard tuned him out, stepping up to catch Yerl.

"Why is the ZPM down here?" He asked. Lucius, at least the real one, knew what a ZPM was, and what it was worth to several different factions.

"Well we couldn't exactly get to it could we?" Yerl replied in a somewhat defensive tone. Sheppard raised an eyebrow at that, and started to have a very bad feeling.

"Where exactly…" He had started to ask when Ronan suddenly grunted and stopped. Yerl waved a hand toward the big man and with a look that should have shriveled the man in his tracks Sheppard moved forward to see what was going on. He bit back a swear word as it became apparent why Ronan had stopped. The cave kept going, but the cavern it opened into was not to the sides of the cave, it was below, and it was flooded right up to the floor of the cave they stood in.

Sheppard stepped to the edge and looked down into the water. It was as clear as glass, and there was a light glowing from within it, a reddish gold light, like that from a ZPM. He dropped his chin to his chest. Okay, this was getting out of hand. He looked over at Yerl.

"I don't suppose that there is any other way to get to the thing?" he asked. Yerl shook his head. Sheppard nodded. That was about what he expected. He crouched down and dipped a finger in the water. It was freezing. Well, this was going to be incredibly unpleasant. He shrugged out of his pack, and as he set it on the floor of the cave a thought struck him. He opened the pack and pulled the red flippers from inside. They still looked incredibly silly, but they would make the swim faster, and with the temperature of the water fast was what he needed.

He pulled off his vest and his shirt, then sat down and removed his boots and socks. After a brief hesitation he pulled the flippers onto his feet. McKay was jabbering something about hypothermia and Teyla looked very worried. He was beginning to think Lucius had overdone it a little there. Maybe the watch was wound too tight or something. Ronan was pacing back and forth in front of the pool, looking like he wanted to kill something. No big change from the real one there. Sheppard scooted over to the edge of the pool. It was going to be nasty no matter how he got in; he might as well just slide on in. He looked down through the clear water. He could not see the ZPM itself, but he could see that the light was definitely coming from the right side of the cavern, and he assumed there was some sort of device there that housed the power cell. Hopefully he would be able to just go down and 'think' the thing out and get the hell out of the water. Of course nothing else had been that easy, so why should this. He took several deep breaths and let them out quickly, building up the oxygen in his blood. When he was just on the edge of being lightheaded he took a deep breath and slid into the water.

He almost lost all of the air as the cold hit him like a two by four. It felt like his entire body was incased in ice. Ice with lots of little spines. He had been in water this cold before, but he had always had a wet suit. Surfing was one thing, diving down into the cavern was another. He forced himself to ignore the screaming of the nerves in his body, knowing that they would be going numb soon, and dove down into the depths moving toward the light. It only took him a few moments to reach the area where the light was concentrated, and he saw the ZPM. It wasn't in a device; it was sitting on top of a small altar. Evidently whoever had placed it there had thought it an object of worship. Well great. He grabbed the ZPM, almost expecting some sort of booby trap to kick in, ala Indian Jones, but nothing happened. He swam quickly back to the opening in the ceiling and flung the power cell out onto the floor. He saw McKay grab it up as he pulled himself out with a little help from Ronan. Okay, with a lot of help.

He curled up on the floor, arms wrapped around himself as he shivered violently. It felt even colder out here than it had in the water! He almost cried in relief when a heavy blanket was suddenly thrown over his shivering form. He cracked open an eye to see Teyla leaning over him with a smile.

"There were some blankets stored down here with the food. Yerl mentioned them and I got several while you were in the water. You can use one of the thinner ones to dry yourself. You do not wish to become ill from this." He was tempted to tell her that he couldn't get much more ill than he already was, but he held back. How do you explain to a hallucination that you are hallucinating her? Didn't seem proper somehow. Also, she would probably start crying again.

He took her advice however and dried off with one of the blankets. He slipped into one of the caverns off the cave and changed into the other pants he had in his pack and got dressed. He was still cold as hell, but it was somewhat better now that he was drier. He went back out to where the others were gathered around the ZPM. As he approached he saw McKay shaking his head as he stood up from where he had been crouched next to the ZPM.

"What?" he asked. McKay looked over at him and waved at the ZPM.

"It's only got about 10% charge left. I don't think that you're going to be able to do much with it. It certainly won't let you fly." He said bluntly. Even though Sheppard knew that this was all in his mind he still felt his heart sink. No ZPM meant no trip home. That meant he had to stay here. Did that mean that he was stuck in this fantasy world forever, or until his body died? If he died here would he die there, or would he just start some new fantasy? If he couldn't complete the story did that mean he was stuck?

He was beginning to get to that point where he was going to do something foolish like throw the ZPM for distance, or pound a fist into the wall when suddenly the light in the cave was doubled. A glowing being was suddenly standing before them. As the glow started to fade Sheppard realized that it was the hologram woman, what was her name again, Morgan Le Fay, or was that one of the other ones? He had gotten confused with all the Arthurian mythos when all that had gone down.

"Did you people ascend because it was the next evolutionary step or because you had used up all the ZPMs and there wasn't any more power." Sheppard snapped at her sarcastically. The others looked at him in wonder. Yerl almost swallowed his tongue and prostrated himself before what was to him a god. For her part she merely smiled at his bravado.

"I know that it must seem that way to you. But there are actually a number of fully charged ones around the galaxy. Eventually you will even find the technology to produce them yourselves. A certain friend of yours will lead the way." Her eyes shifted briefly to McKay. Sheppard suddenly wondered if maybe he wasn't the only 'real' person in this whole twisted play. He wouldn't put it past an Ancient to show up in a hallucination to drop a hint regarding something. They tried for subtle, that non-interference thing was evidently pretty firmly enforced, but for supposedly superior beings they failed badly at it.

"You also need to remember that even a partially charged ZPM is of use to you. It could make the difference between life and death for all of Atlantis, and the galaxy that you protect. Remember John Sheppard, there are more similarities between what is not real and what is real than you may know." He eyed her speculatively. He was pretty sure that she was trying to tell him that the ZPM was in the same place on the real planet, and that it would behoove them to get it, even with it being mostly depleted. He didn't want to speculate on what disaster was going to make them need that 10% more power, but then what was yet another crisis in what was becoming a perfect stream of them. But that was all something to consider later.

"Well, this thing is useless to me now. Any other bright ideas on how I get home?" He asked instead. She smiled slightly.

"You have had the ability to go home all the time John Sheppard. You have only to wish it and…"

"No. Do NOT say it." He begged. Her smile grew.

"You have only to tap the heels of the ruby flippers together three times and say what you want with each tap." Damn, she had said it. He shook his head.

"Do we really have to do this?" He grumbled. She was smirking now.

"It is not MY story, John Sheppard." She reminded him. He sighed. He looked at his three companions who were watching with various degrees of puzzlement. He went to stand in front of Ronan. He reached out a hand and Ronan met it with a firm shake.

"Remember Chewie, like Eddie Rickenbacker said 'Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared.'" He thumped the medal on the Satedan's chest. "Seems to me that you were courageous enough before you got this. Don't think that it is the only reason that you're brave." He moved over to Teyla who was bravely holding back tears, again.

"You know you might want to work on toning those feelings down a little. Going from zero to sixty all at once can probably give you a little bit of emotional whiplash. Maybe try for some moderation." He gave her a hug as she nodded with a little sniff. He moved on to stand in front of Rodney. Okay, he just had to do it.

"I'll miss you most of all scarecrow." He said in a high falsetto voice, at least as high as he could make it go without serious injury. McKay scowled at him.

"Ha Ha, very funny. I understand that that's a reference to early 20th century work of fiction, but I'll have you know that I am much smarter than _that_ scarecrow. I bet he couldn't even prove the existence of Higgs Particles." He said with a sneer.

"No one has proved the existence of Higgs particles, Rodney." Sheppard said. "You…I mean I heard someone say that, and you…he was laughing at Von Westenholz for saying he had done it. Called him a publicity-seeking hack."

"Well then, he probably was. No one else is smart enough to have solved it." The scarecrow said smugly. "I was thinking about it earlier. I know _exactly_ how to prove it." He tapped the side of his head. "It's all right here. I should get an award for this. Though no one else will probably understand it. My genius is so far beyond everyone else it is almost painful."

"Sure Rodney. Way to keep your humility." Sheppard said with a smile. He stuck out his hand and shook McKay's fabric hand. "Just remember us little people when you are out there being wined and dined by the intellectual groupies in Sweden, okay?"

At McKay's nod he turned and looked around for the flippers, finding them near the edge of the flooded cavern. He sat down and took his boots off again and with a grimace pulled the flippers back on. Toto had come to stand near him and was watching him with large brown eyes, sad eyes that seemed to understand that he was leaving. He looked over at Teyla.

"Could you maybe take care of Toto? He's a smart dog, and he'll be good for you," He smoothed a hand over the small dog's back and scratched at the base of his tail, "Won't you boy?" Toto wagged at him. He took that as a yes. It wasn't like he could take the little guy with him or anything. He stood up and awkwardly turned to face the Ancient.

"Can't you just…" She was shaking her head before he even finished. Great. With another sigh he tapped his heels together. Not as easy to do in flippers as in pumps evidently. "I want to go home." He muttered as he tapped. He did it again, and then once more. There was a wrenching twist in his guts, and his head whirled. Bright lights flashed on and off, and he felt like he was inside a clothes drier set on 'fluff'. It went on and on, and finally he gave in to the darkness that hovered on the edge of his vision.

The climb back to consciousness-or what he hoped was consciousness- was a hard one. He floated in the gauzy darkness for a while, enjoying the warm comfort of it. He felt like he had been put through the wringer and hung out to dry, and why was he coming up with all these laundry analogies all of a sudden? The thought was disturbing enough that he once again started pushing toward waking. As he did he became aware of voices speaking near him. With some concentration he could understand them.

"…been unconscious for the last two days. That seems a little extreme for it to have been a simple bad reaction to a cup of bad fruit juice. Even if Sheppard was that much of a light weight, and I am not saying he isn't, shouldn't he have come around by now?" That had to be Rodney, the "real McKay" as it were. No one else could put that much concern and snark into one statement.

"Indeed, Yelk had not heard of any such reaction from any who had tasted the sacred drink before. He himself had drunk it many times, as had others from the village. He was very distressed to hear about the colonel, and he broke tradition by giving us the samples. He gave me samples not only from the container that he had used but also from the larger drum where he had drawn that batch. Did your machines show some contaminant?" That was Teyla, and her voice was more rich and full of nuances than the voice of 'Tin Teyla'.

"There was no contaminant as such in the drink, and it is way more than 'fruit juice'. Rodney." Ah, there was someone new. Keller. She hadn't been there in 'Oz'. "The stuff tested out at nearly 150 proof. I'm not sure how they distilled something that pure with the facilities you've described, but it was very strong. But it wasn't the alcohol that was the problem, or a contaminant. This is an allergic reaction. Whatever fruit they used to make this the colonel is highly allergic to it, and he's lucky that he didn't have a full anaphylactic response while you were there on the planet. I'm not sure that even your epi-pens would have been enough to counteract it."

"You're saying that this whole unconscious for two days thing is an allergic response? What ever happened to sneezes and watery eyes, maybe a hive or two?" McKay again.

"I don't need to tell you that everyone reacts differently to allergens. What may cause swelling and breathing difficulties in one can cause unconsciousness in others. We've been pumping him full of antihistamines and supporting his system through the shock. He should be coming around soon. Then it will be a matter of dealing with any damage."

"Damage? What kind of damage?" And there was Ronan. The gang's all here.

"His blood pressure was almost critically low several times. His circulation was impaired. There could have been brain damage. We won't know for sure until he wakes up." Keller warned. Sheppard knew what was coming before the words even made it out of McKay's mouth.

"Yes, but how will you…"

"Shut up, Rodney." His voice was little more than a croak, but it stopped McKay's question. Ronan laughed, and Sheppard was pretty sure he heard a snicker from Teyla as well. As he opened his eyes Keller was leaning over the bed a wide smile on her face.

"Guess that answers most of the brain damage questions. How are you feeling?" She was taking his pulse as she asked and he could almost feel her eyes evaluating his response. He thought about it. All in all he felt pretty good. He looked around at the infirmary. He was in his regular bed. He was thinking about putting up a poster or something to liven the place up, but that seemed to be kind of negative thinking.

"I feel pretty good, all things considered. What happened? Last I remember we were on the planet and…" Well, maybe he hadn't better mention the tornado. He was pretty sure that hadn't happened. Come to think of it that hadn't worked out real well for Dorothy either. No need to feed the brain damage considerations. "Well that's about it. Next thing I knew I was waking up here and McKay was talking."

"And yet you woke up anyway." Ronan joked. McKay scowled at him. Teyla moved forward and laid a hand on Sheppard's arm.

"I am glad you are feeling better John. We were very concerned. Your sleep did not seem to be particularly restful, though the doctor did not feel that you were aware. Were you dreaming?" Sheppard thought about how he should answer that. Finally he decided on a half-truth.

"You could say that. In way you could say I dreamed I was still on the mission. With a few changes." Very strange changes, changes that he was _not_ going to discuss, at least in front of a doctor. Otherwise they'd have that new psychiatrist down here trying to shrink his head. But wait, there were a few things that he had to talk about. "You've been to that planet before haven't you?" He asked her.

"Yes. My people have traded with the Munchin for several generations. Why?"

"Are there caverns in the hills to the west?" He asked, trying to hide a laugh under a cough as he suddenly remembered the name of the planet and the people. There had been some amusement among the teams about SGA1 pulling the assignment, and a whole lot of jokes. Guess that's what got the ol' sub-conscious going.

"Yes." She said in reply, evidently taking his cough at face value. "The Munchin have used them to hide from the Wraith in the past, but there is no farmland near the caverns and they had to move out to their current village. How did you know?" He waved off the question.

"Oh someone mentioned it. They also mentioned something else, something that I think we should look into. When I get outta here that is. Which will be when, Doc?" He asked Keller. She shook her head.

"You just woke up, don't you think that you should at least take a few minutes to recover from your two day coma?" She asked. He shrugged.

"I feel pretty good. Could use a sandwich," He sniffed at himself. "And a shower, but other than that…" He looked at her hopefully. She threw up her hands.

"I want to take one more blood draw. I'll have someone bring you down a sandwich and if everything is okay you can go." He started to smile, but she was continuing. "But you will not be back on duty until you get at least 24 hours of rest, and that's final." With that she motioned one of the nurses forward to do the blood draw and left. Once the blood was drawn and sent off to the lab his team moved back in around him.

"Hey, when we went back to get a sample of that jungle juice that did you in Earl, or what ever his name is, was really upset. Practically begged us to bring you a gift. Teyla here said that if we didn't take it he would be offended, so we brought it back. Woolsey was a bit put out, but Teyla talked him into it."

"I did not talk him into it, Rodney." Teyla corrected. "Mr. Woolsey is a diplomat, he understands that sometimes it is necessary to break rules to accommodate allies. And in the end it was not so much a breaking as a bending of the rules." Sheppard pulled himself up in his bed. This was sounding worse and worse. What could the guy have sent that was so bad, more of the jungle juice?

"Well what is it?" He asked. Ronan stood up from where he had slumped across the end of Sheppard's bed.

"I'll go get it. It's in my room."

"I thought you were supposed to have it, Rodney." Teyla said as the Satedan left. McKay rolled his eyes.

"I am a busy man. I have things that need to be done. Ronan on the other hand has a busy schedule of beating up Marines and…oh yes, beating up Marines. It seemed a better fit."

"What did you bribe him with?" Teyla asked accusingly. How well she knew him.

"What makes you think…" She glared at him. "Fine." He huffed. "Desert for the next week."

"I have heard that the cook is making lemon cakes for the next several days. Would this have not been something you would have avoided in any event?" She asked. McKay shifted nervously, like a small boy being brought to task. Sheppard grinned at the uncomfortable scientist and McKay scowled back.

"This is all your fault you know. Even when you're unconscious you cause trouble." He grumbled. He plopped into the chair that was at the bedside and sulked. Sheppard and Teyla exchanged smiles. Teyla filled him in on what had been happening since he took ill. Finally Ronan reappeared. Sheppard looked expectantly at the Satedan, but couldn't see anything in his hands. When he got to the bed he smiled at Sheppard and then looked back toward the door.

"Hey, in here!" He yelled. Sheppard's jaw almost dropped into his lap as a small black dog trotted in through the doors.

"What the hell?" He finally asked, eyes quickly looking from the dog to his teammates and back. The little dog was looking back at him with serious brown eyes, familiar brown eyes. It couldn't be. Could it?

"Turns out that one of the things that they trade down there is dogs. Sort of a luxury item for most people I guess. They raise them in another village that we didn't visit. They say they are gifts from the gods. When they wanted to make nice because they practically poisoned you they trotted out one of the dogs for you." McKay explained.

"Mr. Woolsey has had one of the biologists look over the animal and it is healthy and has no diseases or infestations. He has said that if you wish to keep the animal he would not object as long as it is trained and does not interfere with the running of the base." Sheppard was still staring at the dog. His continued silence must have worried his teammates as McKay reached over and nudged him.

"What's with you? Do we need to call Jennifer back? Have you discovered a sudden fear of dogs? I don't blame you there, cats are obviously much superior to dogs. Now my cat…"Sheppard cut him off.

"Shut up, Rodney." He swung his feet out of the bed, careful of the IV that was still in his arm. He was going to have to talk to Keller about that, but for now he was focused on the dog. He patted his leg and the dog came closer. He reached out and stroked his hand down it's back. It almost immediately maneuvered so that his hand was in the right position to scratch at the base of the tail. Okay, getting creepy now.

"So, I guess you'll be calling it Toto, right?" McKay asked with a smirk. Sheppard scowled at him, and the dog gave a little growl sort of under his breath. McKay jerked back.

"No, his name will be…Butch." The dog wagged at the name, seeming to understand it was meant for him. Sheppard reached out and picked him up, and slipped back onto the bed. He leaned back against the pillows with the dog on his lap. He stroked the black fur slowly.

"I don't know, little black dog, Munchkins…" McKay began only to have Teyla cut him off.

"I have told you before, Rodney, it is Munchin. That you fail to correct yourself is a sign that you are doing that on purpose for some reason that you have not explained. If you are trying to be amusing would it not be more effective if you explained why it is funny?" Sheppard raised an eyebrow at McKay who shifted nervously.

"Well, you see there's this book, and this movie. There's these little people and flying monkeys and witches and its all kind of hard to explain." McKay stuttered out. He looked at Sheppard for help. He gave him a big smile.

"Since I'm off for the next twenty four hours, I say we get the movie, some popcorn some chips and whatever else we can find to snack on and let that explain it all, and maybe," He looked down at the little dog in his lap and smiled into the brown eyes that somehow laughed back at him. "Maybe I'll tell you another story when it's all done."

The end

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End file.
